Church today....

It's Sunday, and, like every good Christian should, I went to church. =) I am beginning to work with the middle school there. They are amazing. It's only been two weeks but everyone should find that age group that is younger than they are, to spend some time with and be refreshed and reminded of what they thought about in past years. I'm seeing kids 10 years younger than me just starting to develop what their identity will be, and hopefully all are seeking to allow Christ to be the author of that identity. 

Ten years about I didn't know about abuse. I didn't know about children's homes, CPS, or the foster care system. I didn't know kids my age were in lock down facilities because their world was not one even they wanted to live in. I knew my home and my securities. I knew my blessings and my dreams. I'm pretty sure at one time I was going to be Underdog, there was a cape and a jump rope involved...I can't say I understood much of the gospel at that point. There was never a question for me of "is there was a God," it was always the question of "is this God interested in me." Again, lacking some very crucial understanding there... =) So, needless to say, when God began to teach me and mold me, I began hearing about 'doubt.' I began to hear sermons about loving people who didn't believe. There were books pleading the proof of existence (The Case for Christ, for example). 

All these things ways to battle doubt were presented to me, but still at that time I didn't know what 'doubt' was. I still couldn't tell you exactly what it is, which should be simple enough. I'm no going to go look up the definition in Webster, if you're interested please feel free to do so, but my personal culturally influenced and experience developed understanding of doubt has become: the questioning of a particular subject's existence, leading to a reluctance to follow or support the ideas that stem from said subject. Now, if you actually did look it up, please let me know how close I am, but as for myself, I was pretty proud of that understanding of doubt. But as always, with pride comes.........

So here I am, be-bopping along, when I am smacked in the face with the tree branch of Mark. Mark 9:23 comes after the story of Jesus being asked to heal a boy, whose father has already asked the disciples to help, but that proved to be unsuccessful. In his request for Jesus to help, the father said (quite exasperatedly, I would imagine) "...if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." Here is this guy who has watched his son grow up with an unclean spirit tormenting him, even causing the son to throw himself into fire to kill himself. He has asked Jesus for help, but Jesus (who is not one to solve only the temporary issues) immediately calls the dad out and says "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." Probably not the "Sure I can" this papa was expecting. Jesus could have done so, and I can even reason that His doing so would have been a way of answering that question of "if you can" and providing no room for doubt. But, as Jesus did throughout his ministry, he didn't have to prove anything. He simply asked that those he loved love and follow him in return. I enjoy the father's response to this situation. "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief." Wow. God, I know your love, and I don't doubt you, but sometimes I get carried away with my worldly flesh and I forget. Jesus, I believe you can do anything, help me to fully realize what that looks like. 

I saw kids today that reminded me of growing up, and all the times I didn't realize I could doubt. That led me to believe I was fully in belief of Jesus, but i see myself in this father, who knows God's amazing power and love for us, but in my exasperation I forget to truly embrace it with everything in me. Doubt is not so far from me that I cannot fall into it, but it is God's grace that leads my gently back into the light.