I'm a little overwhelmed here.... =/

What does Jesus say to his disciples to do and not to do?

I've thought a lot lately about what his command to follow him really should look like for me. One would reason we can follow Jesus' instructions to work toward being a disciple of Christ's. Jesus said his burden is easy and his yoke is light. I must be honest: Jesus' commands are freeing...don't worry...love the Lord your God...love others (neighbors, enemies, everyone)...reconcile with your brother...let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'...Jesus is a simple way. A loving way. A way that promotes the kingdom of heaven. BUT (here's where that honesty comes in) I am struggling when I read all the rules in place after him that come from our brothers and sisters. Even those included in the Bible. In recognizing this struggle, I've been searching myself, trying to figure out what this thought process is routed in. So, if you will allow me such expressions of searching...

Paul was an excellent church planter and motivator to his flocks. It is well recognized that Paul wrote to many different churches in his letters, each of which were located in different regions, experiencing varying economical, political, religious and social backdrops. It would stand to reason that his teachings to each church would be directed to the spiritual betterment of each individual church. Those churches didn't chase down each other's letters to compare instructions, did they? Employees give separate tasks to develop different employees, based on the skills they can grow in. Church leaders appoint different individuals to different tasks, based on their preference and skills. A shy person who is very responsible may be a treasurer, while an outgoing individual who enjoys socializing may be a greater...both can grow better in their task by receiving separate instructions, both applicable to the person and task, both to better the servant, but separate instructions. 

Not only do we have Paul's letters, we have letters from Peter, John, lots of instruction to lots of different people. I think you see where I'm going with this. I am overwhelmed. Paul tells women to be silent in a church that has some very disrespectfully vocal women, so females are to remain silent always, never telling the gentlemen anything? Why on earth did the angel in the tomb tell Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them to go tell the guys what they saw? Why didn't he tell them to go get some men so the boys could start teaching each other? Maybe because the women were in a position God wanted to use them in to receive his due glory. Maybe because they were different instructions in different situations to different people. 

Overwhelmed. And I truly believe it's because those instructions are not for me. The basis of all of Paul's instructions have great, deep, core-cementing connections to Jesus' teachings and the truths Paul received by the Holy Spirit. His letters are a record for us to see Paul putting into action his understanding of what he was taught. By God. Paul is very adamant that he was revealed such things by God, not man, and Paul takes a great ownership in learning and understanding what he was taught. Maybe that's why his instructions don't ring as sound to me. I was taught them by man. Now, Jesus. Jesus teaches me truths on love. Jesus reveals to me that when he reveals to me truths of the kingdom, I can follow those truths and build my life around those instructions. And my life may not be Paul's life, but it shouldn't be. It should be the life Jesus wants me to live so God can receive glory. I can follow Jesus' teaching and become a follower of Christ because I want to become a follower of Christ. I can't follow Paul's teachings in Corinthians and become a member of the church of Corinth. 

So, do I reject all of Paul's teachings? No way! We can gain great insight and wisdom by all others practicing their faith. To reject any teachings on such a basis would only be giving in to a spirit of rebellion. Can I have a real, earth shattering faith without mirroring the church of Ephesus? Yes. Can I grow by seeing their instruction and encouragements? Yes! Can I pick and choose through the Bible and only follow the instructions I think are easiest for me under the rouge that they are the most "applicable?" Well where's the benefit in that??? Can I focus so intensely on the love Jesus tells me to practice everyday that I forget the need for 'rules' because my focus is to show the love of God to a world desperately in need of the Truth? I think so...

After all...it seems like when I'm not focused on doing good I begin to see where I can push the envelope a little farther on other things. It is in complacency we seek out controversy.

Late nights...

Why do the best conversations come from meeting together late at night? After you've been together with friends and you begin to wrap things up, but someone sits on the couch and begins talking, then another person, then it just keeps going until you're knee-deep in conversation and no one's going anywhere. Someone always says 'It's getting late...' at least an hour before it's actually over. And there's always the sense of 'We should be in bed now, but this conversation would be ruined if we tried to recreate this moment.' Those are the moments I could live in forever. :)

It's when Jesus was around the camp fire with his disciples. No doubt they had a busy day, and a busy tomorrow ahead. We should be in bed now...but who could leave those moments?

What is it about good conversation that makes it so invigorating? What is it about developing and deepening relationships and understandings that can make you feel like you can fly for days to come?

I don't know the in's and out's of it, but I know I love it. Those moments are the ones we grow in, and the ones we discover things about ourselves we would have otherwise overlooked. Those are the moments you really begin to discover why any other moment happens. 

SIN! It's the principle of the thing...

I heard a great sermon on Confessions (Rob Bell, Mars Hill) and I loved it. I loved it even more when I went to my very close friend and asked if she would be comfortable if I confessed to her some things that were bothering me, and she said she always thought we had the kind of relationship that understood we would confess to each other. I think I'll remember that forever.

BUT Rob Bell (you have to say his name together, never R. Bell, Bell, or Rob, just doesn't sound right) spoke on the need for us to confess. For the last few months I have been thinking on the same question: What is a sin? 

Now, if you have the sudden urge to leave a comment setting me straight, please don't. I've thought whatever you have to say already. In fact, if you ever have that overwhelming sense of 'oh, I need to tell them something' based on a blog, facebook post, or myspace bulletin, just don't. That's ignorance on your part. How can you know some one's heart enough to publicly correct them with only a few paragraphs, at most, to go by. 

So what is a sin. We obviously have the 10 commandments. So is that our sin list? I remember smashing a Hanson CD when I was younger, and I told all their lovely blonde faces before I did it that I apologized, but if they didn't get me closer to God, they were keeping me from Him, and they must be shattered. Was Hanson a sin? Paul tells Timothy to 'drink a little wine,' but I have heard Christians say consuming alcohol is a sin. Let's not even touch Jesus' drinking of wine, people still say it. So did Jesus and Paul sin? Are those people, and I feel comfortable questioning this issue because I used to be a 'if it alters your perception it's a sin' girl as I drank my caffeinated beverage, sinning? Obviously there have been multiple tests to prove that caffeine does not wake you up or change your person in any way. Is soda a sin? IS CHOCOLATE A SIN? It's something man changes a little, but cocoa beans are natural, right? So if it's natural it's not a sin. Like wine, because grapes and yeast are just things God gave us to enjoy. Is marijuana a sin? Are psychotropic medications a sin? How 'natural' are they? 

Unfortunately, there are so many answers, "Christian" answers, "Biblically sound" answers, "worldly" answers, that would allow one to live in any fashion of consumption or avoidance of the mentioned possible sins. Are we convicted by things other than God? Did Christ tell me to destroy my Hanson CD, or did my youth minister, or did Satan? 

For the record, there were quite a few Hanson lyrics that parallel the Bible, such as Mmmbop & Ecclesiastes. 

So, what am I confessing??? Right now, I'll confess to my ignorance to start. And to gossipping about my friends. I'm acting like I'm concerned or troubled, but I'm just gossipping. And I've been convicted that gossipping is a sin. Phew!

     He who conceals his sins does not prosper, 

       but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. -Proverbs 28:13

 That's pretty convicing. I would choose finding mercy over not prospering any day. But I'm still going over and over in my head, what are my sins? What are your sins? Will all my 'sin or no sin' requirements be the same as yours? Can you 'struggle with something' that I feel at liberty to do, or am I justifying my sin? Are there really as many sins as we think there are? Are there more? Or is there a bundle (say...10?) general underlying issues that are the basis to our sin-scales, and all other things just fall under those guidelines..........sheesh! It's a good thing God has all this figured out, now if I could just kick out all those other sounds long enough to hear His answers... :) Praise the Lord, I am free. 

feed me!

In my desire to meet a challenge thrown out before my small group last week, I have been very aware of my actions because we are looking for ways to 'be Jesus' to someone. Not that we shouldn't have been doing that all along, but just knowing someone is going to ask you what you've done this week makes all the difference.
Beginning this challenge, however, I'll tell you, I wanted to be the one who went out and 'saved' everyone they laid eyes on. I wanted to get back with my group and, ever so humbly, say "I searched high and low for lost souls. I shared with them the gospel, they repented, and I baptised all 700 of them in the Ohio River. Twice." Just to be sure. But as the week went on, I got a little frustrated because God was not giving me the opportunity to dunk people! It was somewhere between frustration and recognizing my pride that I began to ask God what 'being Jesus' really looked like.
I stressed over this for quite some time, and it wasn't until I was making dinner for myself and the hubby tonight that things started to click. I looked through the pantry to see what we would have, and I felt a twinge of what I can only describe as "shucksness" when I realised we are low on the protein and won't be getting the Angel Food we ordered until next weekend. I saw the large amounts of beans I had stocked up on for 'such a time as this' (that's a good Flynn Adam song) and figured I could make a poor man's chili out of the random goods I had in the house. I poured the beans in the water and something in that (I know, go figure) got me to thinking. Jesus loved people and met their needs. I took a picture of the beans, as you can see, because that moment was just too cool. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about the beans, which wasn't as great a waste of time as you might think!
I found Matthew 25 (thanks to http://www.biblegateway.com/):

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I visited a friend in jail a few years back. Seriously, that's what popped into my head when I read this, because the flesh of me wanted to justify lacking on the simple task of meeting the needs of those around us and going out of our way to show love to them. But you can't justify not feeding the hungry, or clothing the naked, or loving the broken.
I enjoyed matching this with the beans because Jesus didn't say 'give t-bone steaks to everyone to show them how much money you have.' (that is a cliche I know, t-bone steaks, but to be honest, I don't know if they are truly something expensive...) I served my husband beans this evening, mixed with leftovers, noodles, and a lot of 'special' ingredients, and it was a good meal that I would have loved to have shared with someone in fellowship. But I think the even cooler part of those verses is when Jesus says the righteous will say 'Whoa! You are giving me credit for doing things, but Jesus when did I do all that?' How amazing would it be to have such a fullness and overflow that you are just pouring out love and not keeping a tally??? The challenge is good, but it's just the beginning. We all have our tendencies, and we will always have our flesh saying to fight our Father, but what if in the day-to-day we just loved without a track record? Is that what the writer's meant when they said it was impossible to write down everything Jesus did, because there would not be enough books in all the world to hold it all? The only keeping love from running rampid in me is...me.
So, in summary, take pictures of your beans, but then share them. Then, instead of giving yourself enough time to get big headed on your sharing skills, die to yourself yet again, and go love some more. That way, we are not left years later thinking 'I'm covered because of that one time I shared those beans.....' =) Amen.

TMI!

Do you ever watch a movie after thinking the trailer was hilarious, but then you realize all the good parts were actually in the trailer? That's how I'm feeling right now......

ASIDE FROM THAT! My sister came over last night, and I must admit, I wanted there to be more interaction. She came over to introduce us to her boyfriend, but we barely spoke over dinner except for the gentlemen telling some jokes that really weren't that funny, they were quoting movie lines. Then we watched A Night At The Roxbury, then I begged everyone to play a game (which no one wanted to), so we watched Scrubs episodes on DVD. Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y. 

Why are we so opposed to interaction, unless it is absorbing or regurgitating something we have been fed from people who don't know us? I am experiencing the same thing with another friend, who is saying great things, but then I find out someone else said them first...I don't want to hear from that friend the same thing I can read in a book, or watch on a movie, or hear in a sermon - word for word. I want to know my friend's thoughts. My friend's developed, or immature, thinking. Something from real people around me. 

I heard a sermon (ha! how ironic and hypocritical!) in which the speaker said we must go into interactions full. (The rest of this comes from me, promise!) We need each other desperately, but we should thirst for our God more, and the other people be our support and barriers, but not our fulfillment. If we fill ourselves with the confidence of the imperfect, we are sure to be let down when the blemishes show and our source of life is cracked. BUT, if we allow ourselves to be filled by God's perfect grace and strength, how much greater is that source? Consequently though, who wants to do that, because then we can't take credit for what drives us, but God gets the glory. That is the nature of the flesh to fight the will of our Father. Bummer. 

If, now, I were full of this, would I have had a better night? Here in my home were two people, and they left without me really knowing anything new about them, besides their choice of entertainment (which some could argue tells you a lot about a person, but I would hope not to be thought of as "that girls who likes sitcoms"). I can't help but think that, if I were full and not seeking acceptance and sustenance solely from others, I would have been totally consumed with learning about these people (my sister is included in that, regrettably) and asking questions that I wanted to know about the things they needed to share. I have a great vision of how last night could have, and should have, gone, but I lost that in my sense of flawed confidence. How sad is it to live a life of from seeking others, when I know where I can have all these needs met, and more! How patient is a God who hears you pray and beg for fulfillment, only to have you abandon it in the moment and retreat to a blemish filled existence when others, who are crying out for something, are watching. How great is a God who let's you come back to Him and ask again for forgiveness. 

If my life, your life, was a movie, could they even find enough "good parts" for the trailer? Hum....

Church today....

It's Sunday, and, like every good Christian should, I went to church. =) I am beginning to work with the middle school there. They are amazing. It's only been two weeks but everyone should find that age group that is younger than they are, to spend some time with and be refreshed and reminded of what they thought about in past years. I'm seeing kids 10 years younger than me just starting to develop what their identity will be, and hopefully all are seeking to allow Christ to be the author of that identity. 

Ten years about I didn't know about abuse. I didn't know about children's homes, CPS, or the foster care system. I didn't know kids my age were in lock down facilities because their world was not one even they wanted to live in. I knew my home and my securities. I knew my blessings and my dreams. I'm pretty sure at one time I was going to be Underdog, there was a cape and a jump rope involved...I can't say I understood much of the gospel at that point. There was never a question for me of "is there was a God," it was always the question of "is this God interested in me." Again, lacking some very crucial understanding there... =) So, needless to say, when God began to teach me and mold me, I began hearing about 'doubt.' I began to hear sermons about loving people who didn't believe. There were books pleading the proof of existence (The Case for Christ, for example). 

All these things ways to battle doubt were presented to me, but still at that time I didn't know what 'doubt' was. I still couldn't tell you exactly what it is, which should be simple enough. I'm no going to go look up the definition in Webster, if you're interested please feel free to do so, but my personal culturally influenced and experience developed understanding of doubt has become: the questioning of a particular subject's existence, leading to a reluctance to follow or support the ideas that stem from said subject. Now, if you actually did look it up, please let me know how close I am, but as for myself, I was pretty proud of that understanding of doubt. But as always, with pride comes.........

So here I am, be-bopping along, when I am smacked in the face with the tree branch of Mark. Mark 9:23 comes after the story of Jesus being asked to heal a boy, whose father has already asked the disciples to help, but that proved to be unsuccessful. In his request for Jesus to help, the father said (quite exasperatedly, I would imagine) "...if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." Here is this guy who has watched his son grow up with an unclean spirit tormenting him, even causing the son to throw himself into fire to kill himself. He has asked Jesus for help, but Jesus (who is not one to solve only the temporary issues) immediately calls the dad out and says "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." Probably not the "Sure I can" this papa was expecting. Jesus could have done so, and I can even reason that His doing so would have been a way of answering that question of "if you can" and providing no room for doubt. But, as Jesus did throughout his ministry, he didn't have to prove anything. He simply asked that those he loved love and follow him in return. I enjoy the father's response to this situation. "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief." Wow. God, I know your love, and I don't doubt you, but sometimes I get carried away with my worldly flesh and I forget. Jesus, I believe you can do anything, help me to fully realize what that looks like. 

I saw kids today that reminded me of growing up, and all the times I didn't realize I could doubt. That led me to believe I was fully in belief of Jesus, but i see myself in this father, who knows God's amazing power and love for us, but in my exasperation I forget to truly embrace it with everything in me. Doubt is not so far from me that I cannot fall into it, but it is God's grace that leads my gently back into the light.