feed me!

In my desire to meet a challenge thrown out before my small group last week, I have been very aware of my actions because we are looking for ways to 'be Jesus' to someone. Not that we shouldn't have been doing that all along, but just knowing someone is going to ask you what you've done this week makes all the difference.
Beginning this challenge, however, I'll tell you, I wanted to be the one who went out and 'saved' everyone they laid eyes on. I wanted to get back with my group and, ever so humbly, say "I searched high and low for lost souls. I shared with them the gospel, they repented, and I baptised all 700 of them in the Ohio River. Twice." Just to be sure. But as the week went on, I got a little frustrated because God was not giving me the opportunity to dunk people! It was somewhere between frustration and recognizing my pride that I began to ask God what 'being Jesus' really looked like.
I stressed over this for quite some time, and it wasn't until I was making dinner for myself and the hubby tonight that things started to click. I looked through the pantry to see what we would have, and I felt a twinge of what I can only describe as "shucksness" when I realised we are low on the protein and won't be getting the Angel Food we ordered until next weekend. I saw the large amounts of beans I had stocked up on for 'such a time as this' (that's a good Flynn Adam song) and figured I could make a poor man's chili out of the random goods I had in the house. I poured the beans in the water and something in that (I know, go figure) got me to thinking. Jesus loved people and met their needs. I took a picture of the beans, as you can see, because that moment was just too cool. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about the beans, which wasn't as great a waste of time as you might think!
I found Matthew 25 (thanks to http://www.biblegateway.com/):

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I visited a friend in jail a few years back. Seriously, that's what popped into my head when I read this, because the flesh of me wanted to justify lacking on the simple task of meeting the needs of those around us and going out of our way to show love to them. But you can't justify not feeding the hungry, or clothing the naked, or loving the broken.
I enjoyed matching this with the beans because Jesus didn't say 'give t-bone steaks to everyone to show them how much money you have.' (that is a cliche I know, t-bone steaks, but to be honest, I don't know if they are truly something expensive...) I served my husband beans this evening, mixed with leftovers, noodles, and a lot of 'special' ingredients, and it was a good meal that I would have loved to have shared with someone in fellowship. But I think the even cooler part of those verses is when Jesus says the righteous will say 'Whoa! You are giving me credit for doing things, but Jesus when did I do all that?' How amazing would it be to have such a fullness and overflow that you are just pouring out love and not keeping a tally??? The challenge is good, but it's just the beginning. We all have our tendencies, and we will always have our flesh saying to fight our Father, but what if in the day-to-day we just loved without a track record? Is that what the writer's meant when they said it was impossible to write down everything Jesus did, because there would not be enough books in all the world to hold it all? The only keeping love from running rampid in me is...me.
So, in summary, take pictures of your beans, but then share them. Then, instead of giving yourself enough time to get big headed on your sharing skills, die to yourself yet again, and go love some more. That way, we are not left years later thinking 'I'm covered because of that one time I shared those beans.....' =) Amen.

TMI!

Do you ever watch a movie after thinking the trailer was hilarious, but then you realize all the good parts were actually in the trailer? That's how I'm feeling right now......

ASIDE FROM THAT! My sister came over last night, and I must admit, I wanted there to be more interaction. She came over to introduce us to her boyfriend, but we barely spoke over dinner except for the gentlemen telling some jokes that really weren't that funny, they were quoting movie lines. Then we watched A Night At The Roxbury, then I begged everyone to play a game (which no one wanted to), so we watched Scrubs episodes on DVD. Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y. 

Why are we so opposed to interaction, unless it is absorbing or regurgitating something we have been fed from people who don't know us? I am experiencing the same thing with another friend, who is saying great things, but then I find out someone else said them first...I don't want to hear from that friend the same thing I can read in a book, or watch on a movie, or hear in a sermon - word for word. I want to know my friend's thoughts. My friend's developed, or immature, thinking. Something from real people around me. 

I heard a sermon (ha! how ironic and hypocritical!) in which the speaker said we must go into interactions full. (The rest of this comes from me, promise!) We need each other desperately, but we should thirst for our God more, and the other people be our support and barriers, but not our fulfillment. If we fill ourselves with the confidence of the imperfect, we are sure to be let down when the blemishes show and our source of life is cracked. BUT, if we allow ourselves to be filled by God's perfect grace and strength, how much greater is that source? Consequently though, who wants to do that, because then we can't take credit for what drives us, but God gets the glory. That is the nature of the flesh to fight the will of our Father. Bummer. 

If, now, I were full of this, would I have had a better night? Here in my home were two people, and they left without me really knowing anything new about them, besides their choice of entertainment (which some could argue tells you a lot about a person, but I would hope not to be thought of as "that girls who likes sitcoms"). I can't help but think that, if I were full and not seeking acceptance and sustenance solely from others, I would have been totally consumed with learning about these people (my sister is included in that, regrettably) and asking questions that I wanted to know about the things they needed to share. I have a great vision of how last night could have, and should have, gone, but I lost that in my sense of flawed confidence. How sad is it to live a life of from seeking others, when I know where I can have all these needs met, and more! How patient is a God who hears you pray and beg for fulfillment, only to have you abandon it in the moment and retreat to a blemish filled existence when others, who are crying out for something, are watching. How great is a God who let's you come back to Him and ask again for forgiveness. 

If my life, your life, was a movie, could they even find enough "good parts" for the trailer? Hum....

Church today....

It's Sunday, and, like every good Christian should, I went to church. =) I am beginning to work with the middle school there. They are amazing. It's only been two weeks but everyone should find that age group that is younger than they are, to spend some time with and be refreshed and reminded of what they thought about in past years. I'm seeing kids 10 years younger than me just starting to develop what their identity will be, and hopefully all are seeking to allow Christ to be the author of that identity. 

Ten years about I didn't know about abuse. I didn't know about children's homes, CPS, or the foster care system. I didn't know kids my age were in lock down facilities because their world was not one even they wanted to live in. I knew my home and my securities. I knew my blessings and my dreams. I'm pretty sure at one time I was going to be Underdog, there was a cape and a jump rope involved...I can't say I understood much of the gospel at that point. There was never a question for me of "is there was a God," it was always the question of "is this God interested in me." Again, lacking some very crucial understanding there... =) So, needless to say, when God began to teach me and mold me, I began hearing about 'doubt.' I began to hear sermons about loving people who didn't believe. There were books pleading the proof of existence (The Case for Christ, for example). 

All these things ways to battle doubt were presented to me, but still at that time I didn't know what 'doubt' was. I still couldn't tell you exactly what it is, which should be simple enough. I'm no going to go look up the definition in Webster, if you're interested please feel free to do so, but my personal culturally influenced and experience developed understanding of doubt has become: the questioning of a particular subject's existence, leading to a reluctance to follow or support the ideas that stem from said subject. Now, if you actually did look it up, please let me know how close I am, but as for myself, I was pretty proud of that understanding of doubt. But as always, with pride comes.........

So here I am, be-bopping along, when I am smacked in the face with the tree branch of Mark. Mark 9:23 comes after the story of Jesus being asked to heal a boy, whose father has already asked the disciples to help, but that proved to be unsuccessful. In his request for Jesus to help, the father said (quite exasperatedly, I would imagine) "...if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." Here is this guy who has watched his son grow up with an unclean spirit tormenting him, even causing the son to throw himself into fire to kill himself. He has asked Jesus for help, but Jesus (who is not one to solve only the temporary issues) immediately calls the dad out and says "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." Probably not the "Sure I can" this papa was expecting. Jesus could have done so, and I can even reason that His doing so would have been a way of answering that question of "if you can" and providing no room for doubt. But, as Jesus did throughout his ministry, he didn't have to prove anything. He simply asked that those he loved love and follow him in return. I enjoy the father's response to this situation. "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief." Wow. God, I know your love, and I don't doubt you, but sometimes I get carried away with my worldly flesh and I forget. Jesus, I believe you can do anything, help me to fully realize what that looks like. 

I saw kids today that reminded me of growing up, and all the times I didn't realize I could doubt. That led me to believe I was fully in belief of Jesus, but i see myself in this father, who knows God's amazing power and love for us, but in my exasperation I forget to truly embrace it with everything in me. Doubt is not so far from me that I cannot fall into it, but it is God's grace that leads my gently back into the light.